Addicted to cigarettes..
Addicted to roll ups, yellow fingers and the rest..

 I have smoked for about 30 years. During these 30 years I have tried many times to give up smoking and have always failed it.
First time I have tried giving it up I was maybe 16 years old, having been a smoker for two years and I was already very addicted to it, I remember buying some sort of pills that should have helped me give up smoking but they did not work.

I made a very big attempt when I was 23 years old and managed to give up smoking "forever" and that forever lasted 6 months, after which I started smoking again.

Over the years I then tried giving up many more times, the longest of which was 28 days. to this day I remember where I was when I gave up giving up those two times, the 6 months and the 28 days.

I remember the feeling of defeat while opening up that new 10 pack and I remember the taste of those first few loser puffs.

In the end I bowed down to this evil vice and gave up giving up, thinking that I was ruined and that I will never manage to give up smoking, during this whole time my self esteem went right to the bottom.

I can say that for 30 years I felt reasonably free and capable of setting my mind to a goal and reaching that goal, however I was always aware about my limits and that there was this one thing called cigarette who beat me, and this thing beat me over and over and over, I mean it assessed itself over me each and every time I tried to free myself from it.

During all this time on the one hand I felt very stupid for managing to give up smoking for 6 months, going through all that huge effort to then throwing it all away and on the other I knew deep inside of me that during those 6 months I was kind of living a borrowed time, it somehow was not a "real" life in the sense that while I was not smoking, something was BADLY missing.

It was as if there always was some sort of a hole in my life, a missing thing, a need that was always present.

All this thinking and considering made me think that maybe if I did start smoking again after those 6 months, it was because that was the longest I could go. That's it, it wasn't a real giving up smoking, it was just an act of ENDURANCE, nothing more than that.

Maybe I could have gone for 8 months, maybe even a year but it would have been just an act of endurance and no way that was going to be a stable, happy life.

In the end I knew I did have to start again, this is because once you have been addicted to smoking you will never get back to how it was before getting addicted and that's where the "being ruined for life" feeling came from, somehow I would never ever manage to give up this terrible vice and will smoke for ever, like many other people did before me, right to my death.

Luckily it was not to be..